hiding the mess

Welcome to my life.  It looks like this....

 

  

And while I would like you to think it's all this.

And this.

 

 

 

Mostly it looks like this.

 

 

As I walked around my house last night cleaning up and getting ready for guests to come and stay with me, I noticed how much I like to hide messes.  The main rooms of my house look pretty decent for the most part.  No clutter and everything in the proper place.....But don't open a closet or peek into the spare bedroom!! Or my bedroom for that matter.  Beware of the mess hiding in there.  At first glance it could seem I keep a pretty ordered home, but oh don't be so easily fooled.  Take a few more steps inside and look around and you'll see the real deal.  My spare room has basically become a walk-in closet.  Instead of cleaning and organizing things I bring them there and close the door so I don't have to see the mess on a regular basis.  The rooms that friends spend time in like the living room, kitchen, dining room and guest bedroom are free of clutter and nicely decorated for the most part...but my room is overflowing with clutter.  Isn't that how we operate?  Well it's how I operate at least.  So many times I try to paint a pretty picture to the outside world and keep the clutter hidden away only for me to see.

 

So part of this post is me being honest and open and real.  Way too many blog posts and facebook posts these days are all about creating perfect, tidy little images that we want others to see of our lives.  Our homes.  Our families.  We put our best face forward.  We create the image we want others to see of us.  Rarely is this image anything close to "real life".  Why do we do this?  Why are we so afraid to let people see our reality?  What is it about creating a false reality that is just so appealing to us?  Noone instagrams their burnt dinners and pinterest craft project fails.  Noone posts pictures of their children mid-meltdown.  No announcements about the test they failed.  No pictures of floors that look like they haven't seen a mop or broom in years or piles of laundry taking over the bathroom.  No acknowledgments of loved ones when they are not being "the most amazing man in the world".  So, why is this?  We all have these days and often!  Why are we so afraid to let others into our "real" life?  Why do we cling so tightly to the picture of the life we want others to think we have?

 

But it goes so much deeper than just outward appearances.  It's not just messes in my house I like to hide.  The mess in my home is a metaphor for the mess in my heart. 

So while I want you to think it's all shiny happy people holding hands over here.   It's more like one big, heaping helping of hot mess. 

 

  I would love for you to think that I've got it all together, but that would be a big, fat lie.  I'm impatient.  Bitter.  Critical.  Ungrateful.  Just plain mean.  Selfish.  Lazy.  Apathetic.  I have no self control.  I struggle with sins I just don't want to talk about.  And really shouldn't I be "past those things" now?  So some days you may catch me in my best moments.  The times where the grace of God shines through my life allowing me to be loving or compassionate or giving or wise.  But for the most part if you really knew me you might not want to be my friend.  There are parts of my heart that are ugly and dark, and I don't like to look at them.  I want to suggest that none of us like to see these things in our hearts.  We run from them.  We hide from them.  We shove them in the closet and keep going.  We push them in the spare room to forget about them for now.  Maybe we're scared of those things.  Maybe we're embarrassed.  Maybe we just don't want to face the ugly truth.  Maybe we just flat don't have the energy to deal with it right now.  It's too much work.  It's easier to just ignore it and keep going. 

 

 Because it's more convenient to blame others instead of admitting that it was my fault.

Because it's easier to be critical of others instead of admitting that I'm coveting the life they have.
Because it feels better to say I'm stressed and it's just been a "bad day" instead of taking responsibility for my angry outburst.

 Because it's too painful to dig into the root issues behind my habitual sins.
Because it makes me feel good about myself to talk about how others are failing.
Because it requires too much of me to be patient with someone when I feel they don't deserve it.

But here's the thing.  Freedom comes not from hiding but from being exposed.  Hiding brings more anxiety.  More fear.  More guilt.  More shame.  More hopelessness.   Freedom comes when light shines into those dark places and exposes the things weighing us down.  When we are rescued from those things.  When we are brought out from under their power and into the fullness of God's goodness.  You see, God already knows us fully.  I am fully known and still fully loved by Him.  He knows the things about us that no one else does.  He sees the things we don't even want to see ourselves, and He still moves toward us in love.  Our enemy, the devil, wants nothing more than for us to continue the hiding.  As long as we hide we can't experience freedom.  The enemy shows us the ugly parts of our heart to further condemn us and frustrate us and oppress us.  God is not like this.  When He allows us to see the mess we are it is because He wants to take the mess away.  He shows us our sins and flaws and failures so we can realize our true state and turn to Him to experience healing.  To experience joy.  To experience peace and freedom.  To experience Him.  So don't be afraid of the light.  Allow God to search out your heart and life with it.  And when you see things there you don't like, don't run this time.  Lean into it and see what He may reveal to you about why it's there.  Lean into it instead knowing that a Loving Father has brought it to your attention not to condemn you with it but to free you from it.