"i'm ok"

"I'm OK."

 

I heard that those were your last words.  Words spoken to your husband while he held you in his arms as you passed from this world into heaven.  One moment you were present with us here on earth and the next you were fully in the presence of Jesus.  Even more radiant and beautiful than you already are.  Completely cured.  Free forever of cancer. 

 

I remember the first time I met you briefly.  It was at a cheerleading camp in high school.  What a fitting place!! You were always smiling, full of energy and ready to cheer on and encourage others even to the very end and in the middle of all your suffering and trials.  Later we met up again freshman year in college when our little sisters insisted we had to become friends.  As providence would have it we turned out to be living in the same dorm and on the same floor of our huge university campus.  You were such a big part of my life in college.  Most of my college memories include you.  We learned and grew and laughed and cried together.  We dreamed about our futures...our careers.  Our husbands.  Our children (I'm sure we even named a few, of course).  We navigated our way through figuring out schedules, learning our way around campus, setting up our first "real apartment", band parties, landing on a major and then deciding on a completely different one, road trips to see the dawgs play, and learning how to properly tailgate.  We got ourselves into many shenanigans, had our share of silly and fun times, discovered who we truly were as we grew and matured, and most importantly were found by a faithful God who was pursuing our hearts as we grew into women. 

 

 

I never in a million years thought that I would be saying "goodbye" to you so soon.

 

When I got the news about you going on to be with Jesus the other night I stood staring at my phone.  It took a while for thoughts to form.  It just doesn't seem real to me.  One of the things that came to mind was "but wait, I didn't even get to say goodbye"  I knew that you were very, very sick, but I still expected to see you again and hug you tight really soon.  I had just told you a few days before that we needed to get together soon. 

 

I've been thinking back to that last time that we were together a few months ago.  I keep replaying that time in my head and thinking about what we talked about.  That time has become even more sacred and more significant in the past few days as I've realized that was our last time together.  I've tried to remember all that we talked about in our hours at that Starbucks.  I've cherished the memory of holding hands with you and us praying for each other.  I'm so thankful that that was one of the last things we did together.  I've remembered us hugging and neither one of us wanting to get in our cars and drive away from each other.  It's almost like we kind of knew this could potentially be the last time we saw each other.  We didn't want to finally say goodbye.  I mean I guess this is always the case when you walk away from someone.  Life is precious and none of us is promised tomorrow, but the gravity of the whole situation just hits you harder when one of you is fighting the battle daily that you were.  One thing that is burned in my mind now is us walking to our cars in the parking lot.  You turned to me and with some sadness and uncertainty in your voice and eyes for the first time that day you said "Lindsay, am I going to be OK?"  I had forgotten this question that you asked until it hit me yesterday morning while I was sitting in church and I thought again about your last words "I'm OK."  I'm not really sure exactly how it came out that day standing in the parking lot.  I told you that you were going to be OK.  Inside I was sad and fearful, too, but I didn't want you to see it.  See I truly believed you would be OK.  Either way, no matter what happened in the end, I believed that you would be OK because Jesus was walking with you through it.  Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.  Nothing in life.  And nothing in death.  So we can rest confidently in the knowledge that you are truly "OK".  You are in the very presence of God, completely healed. 

 

Heather, I love you and I will miss your sweet presence so much.  I know that you will be missed greatly by so, so many.  I am so encouraged by the way that you finished the race of your life well.  You fought hard until the end, you loved others deeply, you lived life fully and you wanted your life to make an impact in the lives of others for eternal purposes.  I am encouraged by the love that you and Steve had for each other.  It is a true picture to the world of the love of Jesus Christ and His Bride, the Church.  It is a picture of commitment, selfless love, and devotion.  THAT is true love.  You loved each other well for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and you inspired a watching world while you did it.

 

 

 

 

I want to end this post with your very words, Heather, straight from your caringbridge journal:

 

"You say I encourage and inspire you, but you all are the ones who encourage me and inspire me to be a better person. I'm not strong because of myself- its all GOD working in me and to Him be the glory!  I've heard from so many people that I don't know over the past several weeks. That has been such a blessing to my life, and I feel as though I'm already leading others to Christ. It's the most amazing feeling in the world, and I pray that you all come to know Him the way Steve and I know him. This week at church, Andy said the divorce rate for married couples is 1 in 2 couples; however, for couples that pray together, it is 1 in 10,000. Isn't that amazing? The strongest couples I know pray together and that includes Steve and me. Prior to all this, we prayed a few times together but most of the time, we prayed in silence. Since September when we got the news, we pray every night and oftentimes throughout the day, out loud and with each other. It may sound scary, but it's not. It's my favorite part of the day, and it's brought us much closer to each other and to God. My prayer for you is that you pray with your significant other now and not wait until something tragic happens in your life. Why wait? Don't you want to live He has planned for you?  Ok, I hope that wasn't a sermon."

 

"Some people spend their whole lives trying to find their purpose, but it's only taken me a short 32 years.  My purpose is to lead others to a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, our Savior and to help counsel others going through a crisis. As crazy as it sounds, I'm stronger every day because of my faith in God that everything is going to be okay, and I certainly wouldn't be where I am now without my amazing husband. Steve and I have gotten so much closer (and you might be thinking how is that possible, well it is :)), and our loves grows stronger and deeper each day. I hope I'm already inspiring and encouraging some of you, as I want to help bring others closer to Christ who don't know Him, and counsel others who may have also have received a grim diagnosis."

 

 

I love you, Heather, and I know that you are "OK" and that I'll see you again one day my friend.