It's time for a little bit of honesty around here on my part.
A little bit of how I've been feeling lately when it comes to my spiritual life. So let's just jump right in.
Most Sundays lately I have to make myself get up and go to church. Whatever happened to springing out of bed(wait, I never do that) and being excited to be headed to worship and fellowship with others. Sometimes I'm too lazy to get out of bed. Sometimes I just don't want to be around people. Sometimes I'm just in a funk and don't want to be confronted with my sin or to come face to face with God. And sometimes I just don't feel like walking into a sea of people by myself. Somedays I just don't have it in me to brave the crowds.
It's been really hard for me to spend time reading Scripture. I always love it once I do, but I haven't been good about carving out time for it. Why is it that sleeping in those extra few minutes seems more important at that time than getting up to read my Bible? Why is it that I can find lots of time to watch TV, clean the house, play on Facebook and Pinterest, and read blogs of people who have no clue who I am, but I can't find time to read the Bible? And then I feel guilty because I think of all the people who don't have Bibles written in their languages...or about the people who literally sacrificed their lives so that I could have it in my language...or about the people who have to meet in secret when they study the Bible at the risk of their own lives. And it begins. I hop on the maddening merry-go-round going faster and faster until I'm dizzy and nauseous with guilt. But my habits don't really change.
My prayer life pretty much stinks. That is all.
Here is a text conversation with one of my friends the other day:
Me: On a random side note...I don't think I'm a fan of Ann Voskamp. There said it.
Her: Haha, why not? I had her book out to give to you tonight! Haha
Me: I'll look at it but I just don't know. Probably the same reason I have a problem with the Proverbs 31 woman. Some may say I'm less of a Christian, but such is life.
Her: What did you read of hers that you didn't like?
Me: Her blog
Her: Oh. You probably won't like the book either then.
Me: Hahaha. Yeah that's what I was thinking. I prefer a little more feist.
True story. That conversation really happened. I'm sure Ann is a super godly person who loves Jesus and loves her family, but I just can't get into her writing. No offense. I just feel like I should like her writing. So many Christian women I know just gush over her, but not me. I don't get it. Like I said I need a little more feistiness in my life. I need some Jen and Kristen in my life to speak to my heart!!
Which leads me to the next thing...like I mentioned above I'm not a fan of the Proverbs 31 woman. To be honest I never have really liked her that much. Little Miss Perfect. I think she's just a reminder to me of everything I should be and am not. I'm learning to see her in a different light these days, but I'm still not completely trusting of her.
So if you're still here and haven't written me off as an awful person, I do want to say that I'm not proud of all the things above. I'm not OK with them staying this way. I'm not saying it's OK to avoid worship and community with other believers or to quit reading Scripture and praying. These things are commanded by Scripture and are ultimately for our good. I'm just saying this is how I've felt lately. I just want to be honest. If you feel or have felt any of the ways above...I want you to know that you are not alone. The important thing is what we do next. I think times like these are what Scripture is referring to when we are told to
stand firm
fight the good fight
put on the full armor of God
press on toward the goal
run with perseverance the race marked out for us
set our hearts and minds on things above
and most importantly, fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith
I have been there. You're not alone. And I'm a pastor's wife. :-) I do like Ann Voskamp, but not really into Beth Moore. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I can give (not sure if you were even looking for it) is keep looking at Jesus. It all goes back to Christ.
I should say - I am there - not been there. It's a daily struggle for me!
ReplyDeleteI get it too!
ReplyDelete1. I love you.
ReplyDelete2. I don't like Ann Voskamp's writing either. I stopped reading her book 1/3 way through (though I got what she was trying to say).
3. Get around people who are on fire and yours will rekindle. Sometimes that means going somewhere or doing something radically different than your normal routine. At least that's what has worked for me. Obviously, I can totally relate.
4. Let's catch up!